ADD? Me?

I went to the doctor today.

Read the rest of this entry »


The Pursued and the Pursuer

I’ve dated six guys in the past decade. Out of these, one made the first move, two were mutual enough to be unclear who made the first move, and the other three, I made the first move.

On the other hand, since I was a girl who played video games and had a male-dominated major, a lot of guys “tried,” if you can call pretending to want to hang out and then ignoring me when one of us found someone else while never saying anything about liking me. Which I don’t. I also have had one guy just outright offer sex repeatedly, despite his girlfriend, and I don’t count that either.

I went to a party at my friends’ place. One of them (the husband) got a new job, so he invited friends over to celebrate. The husband had a friend I didn’t know who was there. I heard from both him and the wife that their friend was asking about me and called me cute. Meanwhile, I can’t remember anyone I’ve only met once. The couple threw a Halloween party too, and the husband told me to bring my Magic cards, since this guy also played. Then he and I made plans to hang out. It went well. But…

It makes me nervous. I’ve realized that I’m just not comfortable being pursued.

First, the minor reasons: it reminds me of the people from college who never SAID anything and made me feel like I wasn’t worth being friends with, it reminds me of people who talk about the friendzone, it reminds me of the creepy shit a lot of men send women, it reminds me of Pickup Artists and Nice Guys and rapists. I don’t want to lose my control. All of my relationships have been good enough; I’ve been in control. I haven’t been raped or creeped on. I don’t do the “normal” dating with strangers and going out. I date friends; people I know and trust already.

I’m so scared of not being in control. I’m scared of not knowing a person and how they’ll react if I’m not interested.

This guy is a good friend of a good friend, and to a point, I trust his judgement. (The guy is better friends with the husband than the wife.) Still, it fills me with anxiety; the husband doesn’t know the romantic personality of his friend. When someone is denied what they think they deserve, they can lose their fucking mind. On one hand, I think I’m paranoid, but on the other, how can you see this coming?

In conclusion, there is no conclusion. I don’t have an answer or a moral; just a rambling about why I’m feeling really unsure about where I’ve found myself.


I offered a piece of paper with my symptoms (chest pain and heaviness being the biggest and scariest) to my brand new doctor. He read over it and then asked me some questions. I started crying. I didn’t want to die; what if it was my heart or my lungs or

He told me it was probably anxiety.

Read the rest of this entry »

My Own Place: Bureaucratic Bullshit and similar

I’ve never really moved before. My parents bought the house I grew up in… well, I was told I was conceived the day they bought it. Gross. I “moved” to college and back for 3 years, and then from dorm to dorm to dorm the fourth. Then “moved” to my aunt’s house for a year. When it comes down to it though, those aren’t the same.  I give someone money and then I have a place to sleep, electricity, a shower, Internet and in most cases food all provided for me. Most of everything was also cleaned for me.

Then a stray cat showed up at my aunt’s house. I had to take him in; the way he kept trying to come indoors and the way he loved it when I held him told me he used to be an indoor cat. So I found an apartment. We’ve been living there two weeks now, just me and the cat.

The first hassle is simply changing my address. I’m pretty sure there is no way to do this right. The amount of people you need to tell is immense as fuck. I’ve told the bank… and a few others. On the bright side, everything else is being sent to my parents’ house, and I’ve changed as many things as I could to online billing with online statements. The post office guy lectured me about telling the local post office that you live there, and he and my neighbors have reminded me to add my apartment number to my shit. Which I swear I have done my best with, but nobody’s best is ever good enough in this world.

The second hassle isn’t much… yet. Electricity was easy to set up… but no bill from them yet. Cable/Internet was a small hassle, although half of that was my fault for not remembering to charge and bring my cell phone from my aunt’s house. The second guy who came to set it up knocked on my actual apartment door instead of standing outside and calling me, so I can’t hold myself 100% accountable. Maybe that’s just the power of my rage. I had to take a surprise Monday morning off for them, and then my cable modem didn’t work so they used one of theirs. When I called the people who made the modem, they said it was my cable company. Maybe you can see why I haven’t dealt with it.

The biggest one is my car and licence. This is a different state than the one I used to live in, and it feels a bit like pulling a block from the bottom of a pile and everything falling out on top of me. If I need a licence in this state, I should also have my car registered in this state. If my car is registered in this state, it’s not technically owned by my dad anymore. That means he has to officially sell/give it to me. That means I need to insure it myself. That means it needs to be inspected. Oh, by the way, did I tell you my dad’s birthday is in July? That means that if I didn’t get everything moved to my new state by the end of the month, it needed to be re-inspected and registered in the other state. Oh, and there is no permanent DMV in my area.

Figuring out the order to do it all in was not easy. I felt overwhelmed reading the DMV pages for both states, trying to find out what I needed and if I needed to get it insured and inspected first (which seems silly now) and all the other minuscule details. With the help of my coworkers, family and friends, I did manage to get it figured out. Registration and licence, inspection, insurance. Insurance is last because the car is covered on the old insurance right now. In fact, I managed to get everything done yesterday. More surprise time off work, though. Ugh.

This doesn’t even mention that last Wednesday, my muffler fucked itself. It can’t be passed without a good muffler. Oh and it was just barely due for an oil change. My dad had to take it over the weekend to fix it, but that worked well because he needed to sign the gift tax exemption form (and, as I thought then, also the bill of sale. Which you don’t actually need if it was a gift, I guess.) and probably something else.

Really, it’s amazing anything worked out.

Once I get my new insurance, I should be golden. Well, except the bills. And probably something else I forgot.

Airports Are Weird: Advice Gathered for a Newbie Flyer (who is me)

I haven’t been on a plane before. Not once. People seem surprised by this, but I say “my family was lower middle class. McDonalds was a treat and our vacations were driving an hour away and sleeping in a tent. Then my mom’s boss gave us the first ever pop-up tent trailer to exist! That was cool. And by cool I mean ‘the canvas was filled with holes mice chewed in them.’ Anyway, you can shut up.”

Saturday will be my first time on a plane. I’m going to Atlanta! For work. Having never been on a plane, or in an airport, or near a (commercial flight) airport, I really have no idea what to expect. TV and news has given me a vague ideas about a lot of lines and body scanning and lines and running. Everyone runs through an airport because they’re late in the movies and on TV! I don’t plan on emulating them.

These long, pointless paragraphs lead me to what I’ve learned (and will be referencing until I’m back home): What I’ve been told to expect and what I’ve been told to do at an airport. The first things that I read, linked by my friend Matt, is this blog. It was a very useful read, and aimed directly at me! Awesome!

Here is my list of things that Matt, that blog, and my coworkers have told me:

  • Just put everything you don’t need on the flight in your checked baggage. You don’t want to end up having to carry around a bunch of heavy bullshit if you miss your flight.
  • Ticket counter does two things: checking baggage and getting your ticket
  • Make your checked baggage easy to identify by tying something colorful onto it
  • Wear easily removable shoes for the security line, and socks because the floor is gross.
  • Don’t step through the metal detector/scanner until security tells you to, even if it’s your turn.
  • NEVER leave your stuff unattended. TSA dislikes that.
  • Use the bathroom before boarding the plane.
  • Seat numbers are on the overhead compartments
  • Personal items go under the seat in front of you. Bigger items go in the overhead.
  • If you get on the plane last, you don’t have to sit on the plane as long! But also someone has probably taken your luggage spot.
This is what Matt says the process is like:
  • Arrive
  • Ticket counter (Check luggage and get ticket)
  • Go to security line.
  • Remove shoes and belts and metal and everything from your pockets. Except the boarding pass. Also be sure your ID is nearby the boarding pass.
  • Place removed items in a bin! They go through xray
  • Go through metal detector/that creepy machine everyone talks about
  • Get your shit from the bin
  • Leave the screening area
  • Put on shoes
  • Find gate.
  • Chill out
  • They load by zone so don’t flip shit and line up before our zone is called. (Higher the number the later you get on the plane.)
  • Don’t rush off the plane when you land. It’s like a bus, but slower in some ways because it holds many more people and has many more safety procedures.
  • Follow signs to baggage claim and claim baggage
These are my coworker’s suggestions:

  • FOllow my lead and do whatever I tell you to do